P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Let's get the cat blown out
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
