My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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