I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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