My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
