I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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