I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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