Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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