I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
