last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
