I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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