I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
