What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
