I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
