Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
