6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
