Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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