to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just gargled with NyQuil
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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