and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
found the other keg... it's in the tree
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
