I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Someone shattered a urinal.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
