The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
where are my eyebrows?
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