Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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