IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I didn't notice because vodka
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
