I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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