I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Randomize
