what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
