dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
