btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
you never un-have a 4some
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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