Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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