They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
