did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
