i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
