At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
