Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
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unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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