So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I touched a dick in church today
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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