My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Barsexuality is the new black.
Operation Purity has been aborted
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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