i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
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getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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