I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
