Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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