Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
