drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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