is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
