so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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