I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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