Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
