I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
