I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
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Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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