I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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