I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
