After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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