i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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