sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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