im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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