i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
