why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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