Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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