Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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