News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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